learning to love

When your soul is sick, one of the symptoms is blindness. Bitterness, for instances, is like a cancer that makes you blind. I had allowed hurt to make my soul toxic. From my end, I was sure that I was just become a realist. In fact, I was desensitizing myself. Why risk being hurt more? I didn't realize I was becoming blind to love. Bitterness turned skepticism which turned to cynicism which turned to an emptiness of my soul. Bitterness is the enemy of love because it makes you unforgiving and unwilling to give love unconditionally."

"When love does not come to you it breaks your heart, but when you do not give love away it hardens your heart."

Both quotes are taken from a book I've been currently reading. The first one describes the state of my heart right before the summer. I was empty. I had accepted reality, that I was probably going to live the rest of my life alone. Why? Because I was bitter, hurt and jaded by so much. But the Lord spoke some very undenialable words to me. I had been pierced by a love willing to fight for me.

Walls around my heart have begun to fall. It has been scarier then hell. I have been feeling things I never thought I would again, and they are intensifing. My first instinct is to put walls back up to protect my heart. But I know if I do that my heart will harden. Hence the second quote is where I am now. I'm having to let my walls come down so Jesus can protect my heart instead. And he has, more than I can explain without going into detail. Dont get me wrong, it has been painful. And it hurts...expecially when you expose your heart. But I know from experience that if I dont let myself feel and love...I will be right back where I started.

I have no idea what the Lord is doing, but he has been my life line. Literally. You know how you have those seasons of your life where you feel like you can almost hear him audiably, like he is closer than your skin? I'm trying to soak this time up as much as possible. He is so good, and our hearts can be in no better hands than his.

Well I'm off to bed, didn't go to sleep till after five thirty last night and I have church in seven hours. G'nite.

Jennifer

Waking to rain

How I enjoy waking up to the sound of small rain drops hitting my windows.

Being down with some virus this past week has made me spend a lot of time thinking of my future, and what I desire that to be. I admit the whole thought kinda scares me a bit, with the idea that my options are almost endless. But I know God has a plan, as cliche as that sounds.

The plan for today was to work from nine am till around five pm. But fate I suppose had another idea. I can't even explain to you how it happened, or the pain that decided to come with it. With out any warning is seems I accidentally bruised one of my ribs, or in the very least strained a muscle pretty bad. Here I am better from a stomach virus of some kind and the night before I'm supposed to go to work I injure one of my ribs?! I know a week from now I'll be laughing about this, but currently its just a pain.

I always feel terrible having to call out of work, its almost as if I get this idea in my head that if I say I'm not going to be able to come in, I'm going to be eternally judged for it. I know its probably silly, but I'm fearful that my boss is going to yell at me from the other end of the telephone, or ask for a darn good reason why I'm missing work. But Charlie(my current boss) doesn't, nor does he ever elude to the fact that he's disappointed. He always just wants to know if I'm going to be okay and if there is anything he can do? Perhaps this doesn't seem like a big deal to most of you, and maybe its not. Having in the past to answer to boss's who were workaholics, people caring more about being right then anything else or having grace and mercy on others was just a nice idea rather than an action...it is well appreciated to know that I am cared for by my boss in this world that we live in.

Well for those of you whom keep asking about my coffee idea and if there's been any progress with making the dream a reality, the answer to that one is...no not yet. Like I said up at the beginning, I'm still thinking a lot about what I'd like to be doing and where God would like to have me...be praying though that some huge sign telling me where to go would smack me right in the face. :)

Well its off to sleep for me, there hasn't been much due to the lack of movement I can have...bleh. Well I'll update this again soon....hopefully. g'nite

Wondrous Colors

I've had many thoughts brewing inside this little head of mine lately. With out giving too much away, while at work I stumbled across an idea book for gifts...this book didn't give me a new idea for a gift per-say but rather a new goal. I'm pretty interested to see where these new brewing thoughts will lead.

In other news, I'm now twenty one. Woho. :) That day I asked off of work, went to church, then my parents took me out for a good bite to eat and to top it all off with a lovely Strawberry Margarita. *yum* I have to admit though I didn't think I was going to be able to finish it, as most of you all know I'm a very slow drinker of anything. But I was determined to empty my first glass of legal liquor in the states.

As one of my birthday gifts I received the very praised book The Shack. I'm not nearly done with it, but its been decent so far. I'm not sure if I'm going to agree with everyones' opinion of how life changing it is, but that is always very subjective anyway.

I've been anticipating fall's arrival and I'm so very ecstatic to see the wondrous colors this year.

Fly

I'm taking some time out of my night to write a few of my thoughts down. I don't think I documented this before, but I now have a job at Jo~Anns the craft store. I've been blessed with all the people I'm working with. My boss is so wonderful and understanding. He really understands how to to uplift and encourage his employees.

I'm still in the process of filling out paper work for Cambodia. I'm not a fan of all that it in tales, but it has to be done. Lately I've felt more and more distant and different. Most of my closest friends are now going in different directions than I. They seem to have found something here, whether that be school, work or a new boy/girl friend. Don't get me wrong, I can be content at times, but like I said before there is a growing desire to go. Some of this desire to leave of course has do with the fact I feel like I cant connect with people the same way I once could. The reason for this is no one's fault, people simply change.

I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, but I do know they aren't to harm me, but to bring me closer to Him. The pattern for that goal seems to be Him taking me across His world.

My heart is heavy and I feel as if I could start crying any moment. I'm just over tired, I think. More later when my thoughts are clearer.